(I know I haven't written n a while, but...)



Right now Alayna is having a MAJOR temper tantrum because I took her out of her high chair. She was playing with her little music thing and all of a sudden threw it on the floor and reached for a cracker. She had WAY too many crackers today so I moved the crackers away. She started screaming and banging her hands on her tray and then proceeded (my little houdini) to get the harness off from across her chest AND TURN AROUND IN HER HIGH CHAIR! Lately she has had the idea that throwing temper tantrums will get her what she wants. That's not how I'm raising her.



My friends are telling me to let her CIO, but I can't do that. I let her cry for two minutes and I get worried and go in there...:/

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Well, I don't know if it's considered college, but I'm taking classes in September. One of my friends had gone to Micro Tech Training School in Jersey City to become a radiology technician. Well, she just finished the course and got a job at Jersey City Medical Center (they placed her there.) I also spoke to someone when I was getting my XRay at Bayonne Hospital and they said that they were going there and were doing in-hospital training. I've heard such good things about that place, and for a while now (a few years) I've wanted to be an Obstetric Ultrasound Technician. Well, I'm going to go in September. I know I have a great job, and I plan to keep it, but I am definitely going to night classes (In addition to going to tax courses @ H&R Block. lol) It's a two year course and they place you in a job after you finish the course. I'm excited about it. I think it's going to be good for me. I definitely want to go back to art school, but I don't think now is the time to do that. I think when Alayna is a little bit older and I feel comfortable moving to Philadelphia (which I think I will definitely do) I will go back. There were some older women in my classes @ Moore (like 24-30) so I don't think it'd be bad. Maybe then I'll be a little bit more financially stable and stuff.



Well, the other day on the way to work, I was in a car accident. Thursday my mom's car decided to stall, so my grandfather drove me to work on Friday. Needless to say, he shouldn't drive anymore. I guess he made the turn too quick coming off the Bayonne Bridge, and he crashed into the guardrail. I hurt my hand badly. I went to the ER afterwards and I have a hairline fracture near the outside of my hand, and a cracked bone fracture ( I think he said? Or fragment bone or something) near my thumb. The other side of my hand doesn't hurt as much as it does near my thumb. It hurts terribly!! Well, they said that they couldn't set it yet in a cast because they want me to go for an MRI. They want to be sure that I didn't tear anything else. I've torn tendens and ligaments in the past in that hand, so it's fragile. They want to be sure it wasn't torn this time too. So they put me in a brace. Let me tell you, this brace does nothing. Okay, maybe it's me being stubborn. I won't let my mom help me at all. I still insist on picking Alayna up, doing everything for her, etc... Hell, I wanted to back to work on Saturday. I couldn't, though. Holding a camera that weighs almost as much as my daughter wouldn't really help it heal. My doctor suggested that I stay out of work until Wednesday, but today he said that he might want me to stay out longer. Still, me, I'm stubborn. I'm probably going back Wednesday, but can't do photography. The camera is too heavy for me right now and I'm afraid of dropping it. If they'd let me do sales or star searching for a little bit I'll happily do it. I don't mind. It's not that bad. I just want it to heal quickly so I can go back to doing photography.

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I'm 21 today!! I didn't do anything, though. Alayna was pretty sick. It hurt me to see her sick and crying like that. Hey, at least I'm 21 now! lol Now I just get older from here. Ahh...!! Whatever, I got some money for my birthday that I could use on Alayna. I don't use money on myself anymore. lol



I'm so angry. Every day I play the lottery in hopes I'll win SOMETHING. Well, today I forgot because of Alayna being sick and waking up sick, so I had no time to get out. 8210 came out. We always play 8120 because my father died August 12th 1987. It paid a good $2000 +. I'm so pissed right now. That could have helped out a lot. And Alayna's birthday came out yesterday. I'm so angry, but what could I do? Blah.



I got a job interview on Tuesday for Build A Bear Workshop. Full time...it's in Staten Island, but still...that's closer than working in Jersey, honestly. I really hope I get it because it will probably be a fun job. :)



I'm going to go work on Alayna's playroom some more. We have the carpet ripped up and we're working on cleaning out the dressers and stuff that NEED to go in the garbage, badly. lol

Night night. :)

(I'll officially be 21 in an hour and somethin minutes. lol 11:56ish)

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She turned 5 months old yesterday, I can't believe it at all. It's just crazy. It seems like just yesterday she was born and she's already almost been here for half of a year, and she really is getting bigger! She loves to laugh at stupid things, and she loves to smile and "talk". She also loves to play in her Jumperoo. She just found out today that she loves to sit in the shopping cart when we're at the store. lol Time to get that shopping cart cover thing!



Last night the glider broke that we got for her room. It hardly was used but broke. So we called the store and they allowed us to get a brand new one for free. We actually got a better one that had pink cushions, which now matches her room perfectly! It's so much nicer than the one we had, even though it was made by the same company. It's the same glider, just an updated version and the only other version they had. Yay. Time to put that together tomorrow. lol I also have to get to Babies R Us. So many coupons I got in the mail, and I can save so much money!! I love Babies R Us. lol Me <-- dork.



This morning when I was in the car going to the place to exchange the glider, I was listening to the radio and it was nice out, the sun was out, and all of a sudden I just got this flashback to this time last year. I realized how lonely I am now. Well, lonely in a way. I'm confused. I know everyone is tired of me talking about this, but I know I have to talk about stuff like what I'm feeling. I just miss him and I know I'll never be the same. I'll always be like this because I'm always going to love him in some way because we just have that one connection; Alayna. I really just wish he'd come to see her. I want her to know him and I fear that won't happen.



I'm going to be 21 in 10 days, actually. :) Exciting! I don't know what I'm going to end up doing, but I'm going to be 21. Woo... Well, I have to get going...I'm exhausted and since I"m off tomorrow, I want to try getting some more sleep. :)

Goodnight.

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So I'm seeing him tomorrow to talk. I'm kind of nervous, but also excited and...I don't even know. I can't really explain things. I'm confused, I guess. Him and I have been texting each other for a little bit. I don't know, really. Anyway...



They wanted me to work 13 hours today. I worked from 9-3, and then they wanted me to come in from 5:30-10:30. (I stayed until almost 4 though...) I couldn't come back because I was so tired. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay awake anymore. Fun, right? lol I did go to Old Navy to get a few things, though. I'm finally starting to get clothes again!! lol I actually still have boxes of pre-college clothes in the basement that I probably could use, but it's going to take a while to get time to go down there and sort through everything. One day. lol



Alayna is 4 months old! lol She's geeting so big. 14.5 pounds and 25.4 inches. She's long. She's going to be tall like her dad. That's cool, though. Tall is good, right? I think so. lol I'm not very tall, but...

Happy New Year. My computer has been virus-filled lately, so I had to get them all out before I could come back online. :( Some of my friends have been complaining that they have to get Alayna updates by going to the JM board. LOL (I haven't even been there in a while!) Things have been so hectic with everything, life mostly.



Alayna's first Christmas was good. It went without a visit from her father. (Which I am actually shocked at.) I thought he would have shown up for just a few minutes, but...I guess he had more important things to do than come see his own daughter on her first Christmas. Some people just don't understand milestones and the importance of 1. Their presence in their daughter's life and 2. just milestones in general! Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just "old fashioned". I've been "strong" all of these months, but I think I'm actually going to break down one of these days. I think it all hit me when my friend Ashley told me how strong I am about all of this. I guess I just tried to be strong because I didn't want my family to know how I really feel about everything. I think it especially hit me on Christmas when I remembered last year and remembered everything...being with my real family, being with Alayna's dad, being happy...it made me miss what was last year. But I did get to spend Christmas with the most important person in my life; my daughter.



I went to the orthopedic doctor about the pain in my foot. He said I definitely have arthritis in my foot and it probably stemmed from that time when I broke my foot in the figure skating exhobition. (A few years ago.) He said that the excess weight I put on from pregnancy aggrivated it; otherwise I wouldn't have noticed it until years later. I also have a collapsing arch. He said it's from the weight of the pregnancy. My body wasn't equipt to handle that much weight all at once. He gave me some pain killers and I have to go see another orthopedist (one in my insurance plan.). He also wants me to go to the internalist to get water pills. He said 10 pounds ALONE of water weight would be lost from my legs/feet when I go on water pills. He said he thinks probably 20-30 pounds of water weight would be lost! I wouldn't doubt it. I just have to find time to go to the internalist. Actually, this week, I have 2 days off from work and two on call days, so I'm joping to get an appointment with the doctor one of those days.



Alayna is good!! She now laughs when my mom or me says a "bad word". lol She smiles and lets out this short and odd giggle. LOL! A few people on the JM boards said their babies have done the same, so I know it's just not my child. LOL I also read in some books I have that they should start to giggle around 3/4 months. Alayna will be 3 months on Jan. 5th. :)



Pictures? PICTURES!



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What's wrong with me? Well, I know I definitely have depression, though the 'symptoms' aren't exactly those of post partum depression. Either way, the other day when I went for my 6 week post partum check up, I told my doctor about my 'symptoms' and he put me on anti-depressants. They never really worked in the past when I was on them, so why now?! Eh, my insurance covers them so it's not like I have to pay a fortune for them. Why not try.

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Good news! The Similac Alimentum works so well with Alayna. She hasn't vomited all day, and she is much happier, much more alert, and just overall better. It makes me so happy to see her like that! :) I was so upset when she was hurting & crying from the reflux. :( I just felt like I wanted to take that pain & discomfort for her.



I got a letter from my birth mother tonight. She said that she was, "Giving up on me." because I haven't contacted her in a few weeks. Honestly, I've been writing her a letter for weeks now, but because of Alayna being in the hospital and all of the formula problems and just dealing with my depression, it's tough. Very tough and time consuming. My mother called her tonight for me and told her that I wasn't ignoring her, etc... I asked my mom to do it because I was taking care of Alayna and I know if my mom didn't call tonight, I'd keep forgetting and putting it on the back burner when I know its something I need to do. The phone has been so unfamiliar to me now. lol Especially since Alayna's been sick with the formula problems. I jsut had no time to talk to anyone at all, you know? Except the doctor. lol



I just wish my birth mom knew how much what she said in her letter hurt me. I'm going to write her a letter and express how much. She doesn't understand how much I prayed to God every night, as a child, that I'd know her in the future. How much I wondered who she was, the hell I went through wondering until I found out. I don't think anyone can know until they experienced it. But then again I can see her side. She went through hell wondering if her daughter was ok and stuff. I can definitely see her side of things. I can see that she got aggrivated and wonered if I wanted to know her or what...but I was just busy with my daughter. I feel bad that I didn't get a chance to contact her sooner, but I just got tied up around here. I mean, even though I don't know my birth mom, I love her. Same thing with my siblings. I don't know them that well, but I still love them. I've always loved them. All of my birth family.



I just have to say something. Alayna is starting to take on her own individual look now instead of looking like a normal newborn. She's also starting to resemble people now. She has traits of both mine and her father's (My nose, my eyes...his hair, his smile/lips, his height, his "build" - skinny, etc...) Well, I noticed today when we were out today, that she somewhat resembles her Aunt Julie. I swear to GOD she resembles his sister. That's a good thing because his sister is pretty, so...lol

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My friend sent me a few links today about this reality show on FOX. Maybe I've been in a shell, but I haven't heard anything about this, so... but I am very angry. This is what a website says about it.



Fox heard the outrage over the reality show "Who's Your Daddy?" and their response is to do a sequel! "Who's Your Mommy?" Is the same premise as before, except this time two women will have to pick out their birth mothers from a panel of eight women. If they can, it'll be worth up to 100-thousand dollars. Watch for it November 25th.




I was adopted and let me tell you, it's no reality show meeting your birth family. I met my birth family in 2003 and to be honest, it's very emotional. I wouldn't want it aired on TV!! And I certainly wouldn't say it's a "reality game". I paid money to meet my birth family, and these people are GETTING PAID to GUESS?! C'mon! I mean, seriously. I don't think this is right at all. I would never do this!! It really enrages me. It seems like people are taking adoption & reuniting so lightly when it's really not something to take lightly!



This is a very good article about the first show, "Who's Your Daddy". (Even though I didn't see it, it still enrages me.)



Fox TV is under pressure to abandon a scheduled adoption gameshow, <-- Is what one website says. C'mon. ADOPTION GAMESHOW? That's completely wrong & very very "joking" about adoption. Doesn't anyone take it seriously?!



"By turning adoption reunions into a game show, Who's Your Daddy? takes an intensely personal and complex situation ... and transforms it into a voyeuristic display," Ms Capone told Reuters. <-- I strongly agree. It shouldn't be a voyeuristic display! It's completely shit. I'm sorry, it's shit.



It disgusts me.

She's already 10lbs 4ozs!! I decided to call the pediatrician and change her appointment to today, because she's been having so many problems with the damn reflux. For the past three nights I've been up all night with her because of it. My grandmother keeps telling me it's colic, but I know it's not. It's right after she eats and when I hold her in a certain position (ie. on her side or upright on my shoulder) she doesn't cry. I guess the acid doesn't burn her that way?

The other day, in fact, I actually got Mylicon drops. I know they're for gas, but people were telling me that sometimes it helped relieve reflux problems. Most of the time when I give her the drops, it helps and she'll go right back off to sleep, but sometimes it just remains unrelieved and she still screams in pain. It's not just a normal cry like a hunger or diaper change cry, it's a screach...you can just tell that she's in pain. It kills me to see her in pain like that because I really want to help her.

When we went to the pediatricians office today, she switched Alayna onto Isomil and told us to add 1 tea spoon of Gerber Baby rice cereal to it. (4oz of formula) She also told us that we have to go to a Pediatric Gastrointerologist. Well on the way home I stopped and got the cereal and fed her with it at her 2pm feeding. Well, she was fine. No spitting up, no crying, went right to sleep after her feeding...! I was amazed and thought we'd found the solution! Well, we hadn't. Around 5:30 pm when she was in her bassinet, I hear her screaming. So I go into her room to find that she threw up all over herself & the bedding. :( So I had to give her a complete bath and change the bedding. (Which is still awaiting me to go downstairs and wash it. lol) After her bath, I held her for a bit and she fell asleep. I had answered a call from my uncle and was just about to give the phone to my mom when Alayna throws up all over again! It seemed more like phlem than anything, but...I couldn't take any chances. I called the pediatrician. She told me to reduce her feedings to 2.5 or 3 oz's every 3 hours because of the fact that it's probably too much for her stomach to digest. She said she's tolerating the formula + rice cereal well because she didn't spit it up RIGHT after she ate, but it's just too much for her to digest. So I'm going to try that in a bit. Right now she's sleeping nicely, so I'm not going to wake her up until she lets me know that she's hungry.

I noticed something today...when you wet Alayna's hair, she looks JUST like her father. She's also getting her father's hair color. Her hair is going to be so curly just like her dad's, I can bet that. I also am pretty sure that she's going to be built like her dad. Very skinny. I mean, Alayna is 10lbs and even the doctor didn't beleive it. She said that she's a very long baby (her dad is tall) and she's thin. She's not chubby like a lot of 10 pound one month old babies are!! But I'm happy. She's almost 2lbs up from her birth weight! :) Yay!!

I've been so depressed lately. My mom is trying to tell me that it's post partum depression, but even during the beginning/middle of my pregnancy I was depressed because of a lot of stuff going on. I'm depressed because Alayna isn't going to have a father who is there for her all of the time, she's going to have only one parent. I mena, it just depressses me because I didn't have a father and I really don't want her to live like that. I'm also depressed over other guy issues I'm having, the one person who I need so badly isn't there for me right now, he's battling his own life issues, I just feel like a fat pig. I know I'm not. I lost a good amount of the weight I gained during pregnancy, but I just feel like I'm still huge. I know I'm not, but I'm not completely back to my pre-pregnancy image...I'm going to start exercising again when I'm allowed to (6weeks post partum) so...then I'm sure I'll feel a lot better.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of Alayna. :) [Unknown LJ tag] A little smile for the camera! What the hell!? Her next to her one month picture "Mommy & me" I was trying to make the same face as her, but she changed her expression lol She looks like her daddy here And here and here </lj>

Alayna Danielle came home on Thursday the 20th. She gained a good amount of weight from Tuesday-Thursday, and since she was eating more and gaining, they allowed her to go home. (Although she was not back to her birth weight, but she was 8lbs 5ozs.) I'm so glad that she's home. At one point, I was convinced that she would never be coming home, and I hate the NICU. It brings back flashbacks to another situation I was in and I just hate it. I do have to say, that this NICU is the best. Even though I hated them at certain times because they seemed unfair, they were very good at being sure that my daughter was in the best hands, and they made sure that they did everything in their power to help her. I still don't like that neonatologist she had, though. I'm sorry, but she really had no compassion for my feelimgs. When I was there depressed & crying, she was very rude. The nurses even agreed. She was like that to a lot of the parents there in the NICU and I didn't appreciate it. But this one nurse she had was amazing. I owe everything to her. She gave me strength, and she helped Alayna more than anyone ever could. She knew of our financial situation and everything else, and she gave us cases of premade formula. :) She was such an amazing woman and I do want to thank her. Unfortunately, she wasn't there when Alayna was released, but...I still have to thank her!



She's now almost 9 pounds. Friday I took her to the pediatrician and she said Alayna is 8lbs 11.9ozs. By now she must be up some!! I'm just worried about her...paranoid is more like it, but that's definitely justified. She's doing excellent, though. She eats like a little piggy and is doing great with her feedings. She only spit up a few times and I am wondering if it's her formula. I know sometimes it was all me because I decided to try different bottles and stuff, but a lot of the time when it was with the bottles the hospital gave us, I wonder if it's the formula.



I've been feeling terrible. Sleep deprived mostly. Alayna sleeps during the night, but I'm always up checking on her to be sure she's okay, and those two weeks she was in the NICU I hardly slept because I was worried about her and constantly depressed. I really think it's time for me to get some sleep. I mean Alayna sleeps during the night perfectly and only wakes up for her feedings. I could easily get sleep and I should, but...just paranoia.

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Monday when I went to visit Alayna, they told me that she could definitely come home on Tuesday. So I was so excited! I mean, she was eating more than 3 oz's every 4 hours and finishing it by mouth, she was done with the antibiotics, etc... So I went home and decorated the front of the house and everything. We told everyone, almost everyone was coming over to see the baby too, and I was just ecstatic!! Well yesterday morning I was getting ready, her nursery was ready and everything was perfect!! Around 11 am I get a phone call from her doctor telling me that she's sorry, but Alayna can't go home today because she ISNT GAINING THAT MUCH WEIGHT. The thing was, when they put her on the antibiotics for the infection, I think they said it was the ampicilin, they had to stop bottle feeding her and use IV fluids. So then is when she probably lost the weight. So she said if she keeps her weight up for two days consecutively, she can go home. (Thursday probably) I broke down and just started hysterically crying. I mean, I couldn't take it. I just hit a breaking point.



So last night I call when I get home from visiting her, and they said that when they weighed her at night, she gained 2 oz's. So this means that tonight, if she gains weight (Any amount) she can go home tomorrow. :) I'm not getting my hopes up, though, because if I do I know I'll be let down. So I'm jst going to treat tomorrow as any other day. :)



I'm praying and hoping that she gains weight tonight. She's taking enough formula to gain weight, so...that's good. :) Hopefully if she goes home tomorrow the lactation consultant could be in so I could talk to her about breast feeding...if not I have to come allll the way back another day. lol



Well, today is my own doctor's appointment. (After birth follow up.) They usually do it 6 weeks after birth, but since I got induced because of Pre-E/PIH and I had gestational diabetes [Well if I had a 8lb7oz baby at almost 37 weeks...lol Its just obvious to others!] they want to see me 2 weeks after her birth. I have to have another GTT to see if I'm still diabetic or if it iwas only GD. I'm hoping it was only GD, but my birthmom is diabetic, so I am at risk. *shrugs* I don't think I am anymore, though.

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I know a while ago I posted about these feelings/dreams/etc... that I had during my pregnancy about October 17th. I don't know why, but I just had a feeling that October 17th would be something significant pregnancy wise. I kept saying that she'd be born on the 17th. Well, when she was born on the 5th I forgot about the whole October 17th thing, because it didn't make any sense anymore, but now it makes sense again!! She's probably coming home tomorrow, October 17th! Yesterday when the nurse said that they changed her antibiotic order to be finished tomorrow @ noon, I didn't even notice it. My mom and I were walking to the car, and I stopped and blurted out "Oh My God! October 17th!" lol There were some people who looked at me like I was nuts, but...it's okay. lol It's probably just ironic that she's coming home on the 17th and I was thinking the 17th would be significant for a while, but...it's just so weird.



She's doing so much better!! She finished more than 24 hours of bottles so far!! She just has to keep finishing them, and she can come home tomorrow!! :) I'm hoping to talk to a doctor today when I go to get an idea if I should plan on taking her home tomorrow or what, just so I know and just so I can plan early and be ready tomorrow. I don't even know what time we'd be able to take her home tomorrow, but it doesn't even matter. lol As long as she can just finally come home I'm cool! lol She's almost two weeks old, and I just want my baby home already!! Tonight I'm going to have to work hard, though. Since she hasn't been home, all the gifts we've been getting, we've been piling in the crib. Now since she is coming home, we have to clean everything up! I have to get that damn stuffed animal hammock up tonight. We've gotten way too many stuffed animals from people, and we have no where to put them, pretty much!! I also want to go out and get more glass bottles today.



My mom had gotten me a bunch of glass bottles. I know she said she was looking for them but couldn't find them anywhere, and she finally found them at Baby Depot for $1.99/each. Well, when she gave them to me I laughed in her face. lol I called her old fashioned and said that I'd never use them because plastic bottles are easier or babies to use. Well, now that Alayna is starting to prefer the glass over the plastic, I'm eating my words. Definitely. I'm never going to hear the end of it. How my mom was right, blah blah blah. lol So now I'm putting away the millions of plastic bottles I've gotten, and I'm digging out the glass bottles that I stored away. lol *sigh*



Wanna see pictures? ALAYNA PICTURES!! Her feeding tube is out, so... :) Happiness. lol Look at the pictures of the cutest baby you've ever seen!! (Of course I'd say that right?)

All of Alayna's tests and stuff came back normal, but when they had to grow a strep culture, they said there was something slightly abnormal with that. Not anything terribly bad, but enough to warrent antibiotics. They said it was probably due to my water leaking and the GBS. When they told me they were putting her on antibiotics until Monday morning because of the strep culture, my heart STOPPED. I mean, since I knew I was GBS positive I got so scared that something would happen, and of course, when they said that I thought the worst. Thankfully, they quickly reassured me that there is nothing serious at all with this. She's perfectly healthy and just something with it is making her vomit that bright yellow vomit. They promised me that she'll be perfect and healthy by Monday, and I believe them. :) I mean, she doesn't have a fever. Her temperature is nearly perfect, her coloring is great, and everything. I can even tell that now that they put her on the antibiotics, she's feeding better. They are actually getting full bottles into her now. This morning she got 45 cc's, but because she took that down great, they upped her to 60 cc's. She took 60 cc's for ME twice today. She never drank a full bottle for me. The nurses always had to do it while fighting with her to take the bottle, but because she took it from me, I think it's a lot better. I don't work as hard as the nurses do, so I think it's a lot better. :D I'm happy that she got that down today & held it down!! She spit up a BIT, but it was formula and not the bright yellow, so I think we're making some progress. The nurse said that she thinks that when they take her off of the antibiotics on Monday, she can probably go home. I'm saying Tuesday at the latest. I mean, she'll be two weeks old on Wednesday, so I don't think they'll keep a perfectly healthy baby past two weeks in the NICU. :)

Alayna had to be moved to the main NICU again. She can't keep down any of her formula today and she is just so fussy. They were mainly concerned because the last time she brought up her formula, she also vomited bright yellow, which could be a sign of a stomach blockage. They sent her for a scan of the upper & lower GI tonight to rule out anything that isn't right, and that test came back negative. They did some routine blood work, and the blood work that came back, came back negative. There's some other tests that they have to send down to the lab, but I should be getting those results pretty soon. I'm probably going to be heading back to the hospital tonight because I just don't want to leave her there. I cried all the way home and I know I'm not gonna stop crying all night if I don't go see her again tonight.



My biggest fear is her having to be in the hospital for a long period of time. Yesterday she did so well with all of her feedings and everything, and today everything just got all screwed up again. :( Why does God hate me? That's what I mainly want to know, because I never did anything to deserve for my life to be like this. I just feel like shit and I'm so depressed it's not even funny. I was crying so hard in the car on the way home, I almost had a fucking asthma attack.



Then when I get home, I walk in the house to my grandmother LOSING it again. She was so disoriented and mean to everyone. She told us we were no good, she told us that we were trying to kill her, etc... I hate it when my grandmother is like that!! We don't even know what happened. It's just since she had that bout when her sugar went to 55 that she is now like this. I really don't know what's going on and I wish everyone in my family would just be healthy again!!



Well, I have to get some rest before I go back to the hospital. :( Let me leave you with pictures of me and Alayna!!

Wow. Alayna is almost a week old!! (One week tomorrow!) The great part is, she may be coming home tomorrow!! I wish I knew in advance, but I won't. :( I'll know more so by tonight or tomorrow morning. It just depends if she keeps drinking her bottles or not. I think she will, because the nurse said that once babies start drinking the full bottle, they hardly ever go back to not drinking it. I'm hoping maybe they take the gastro nasal tube out soon. I mean, if she's drinking the bottles, I don't see why she needs it in. I don't know. Maybe it's like a threat to her? She knows that if she doesn't drink the bottle they'll have to put it down the tube, so maybe keeping it in until right before she goes home she'll keep up the good work? I'm in the middle about this, really.



So yesterday when I walked into the NICU I was so happy to see that the GREAT nurse was there. This one nurse, Carole, is so amazing with Alayna. She's just an amazing nurse all together. She really loves each and every one of the babies, and you can see it. She's great!! She told me that Alayna finished her whole bottle. I was ecstatic!! lol We stayed with Alayna up until her next feeding and SHE FINISHED THAT TOO!! :D To make a very long story short, she finished ALL of her bottles last night. Well, up until 11 pm when I called last. I'm praying that she finished the rest of her feedings as well! They also said she's waking up on her own now when it's feeding time, so that's always a good thing! If she keeps it up she could be home by tomorrow. I'm hoping. I'm just praying that last night and this morning she finishes her bottles. And the rest of today too, but I'll be there so I'll see it and not worry about having to wonder. lol



So yesterday Alayna's dad, his mom and his sister were supposed to come to see her, but they didn't. Turns out I guess they had better things to do. I'm sorry, I still do think he'll be a great father, but he has to get his priorities straight. What's more important? Your precious, beautiful little daughter or something else? It just got me so angry. If that were me, my daughter would be my first priority. Actually, my daughter IS my first priority. I give up everything to go see her and to go bond with her and hold her because I hate leaving her alone. I'd give my daughter everything. I'd give her my entire life if I had to and that's amazing how you just automatically feel that after she's born, you know? I guess that's just the difference between him and I. I'd do anything to make my daughter happy and I'd give up everythign I had if I had to for her. I just think it shows what's going to happen in the future. Alayna will be waiting for her father and he'll just let her down and never show. I wish I could prevent her that hurt.



Last night I felt so crappy. I don't know what happened, but I'm completely fine now. I was laying down & taking a nap last night and was perfectly fine. I got up to get something to drink and to go to the bathroom and when I got up I got so cold and starteed shaking. I haven't felt like that in such a long time. :( I'm wondering if it's due to the Mag they gave me? They said for up to two weeks I could feel flu like symptoms until it completely gets out of my system, but I don't know. I didn't even feel any reactions when I was in labor and getting the Mag, so I don't know. I just know I feel a lot better now and that's all I care about. I'm still getting bad headaches every few minutes on and off, but...that's the least of my worries today. My daughter is my main concern. SHE MUST EAT!



My grandmother should be coming home from the hospital today, even though I don't think she should be. Bayonne Hospital calls my mom last night telling her to "Get there right now." because they didn't know how to handle things. WTF?! Turns out they didn't give her any insulin and they gave her pain medicine with Codine in it. (Which she is allergic to) and she was getting very mean and aggitated and confused. The fucking hospital didn't know how to handle that. They told my mom to get there to handle it for them. WTF?! They get paid for this, they should be the ones to fucking take care of it. I mean, my mom doesn't care going and helping, but when the nurses do NOTHING for the patients... They screwed up all of her medicines and everything. My mom and I are going in a few minutes to see if my grandmother is doing well, and then we're headed to go to Livingston to see how Alayna is!!



Oh! I did speak to a lactation consultant and I can breastfeed!! But that means I don't think I can go onto my anti depressants again. :( But...! I might not need them for a while. I can sacrifice how I feel for my daughter's health

Okay, so my grandmother is in one hospital and Alayna is in the other. Last night I finally got some kind of sleep (Just an hour...lol) and my mom wakes me up telling me we have to go to the emergency room. Turns out, my grandmother's sugar dropped DRASTICALLY and she was totally irrational. Her sugar count was 55. When I got upstairs, my grandmother couldn't talk, couldn't make sense of anything, didn't want to move, if anyone tried to move her she'd scream and get violent...that made it hard for the EMT's when they came. Well, they had to call for these people who handle diabetics, but they had to come from Weehawken. When they finally came, they got her somewhat under control. They had to give her pure glucose gel in her mouth, and start an IV line and all that fun stuff. They finally took her to the hospital (this is 4 AM mind you!) and I got ready to go straight from that hospital to St. Barnabas to see Alayna.



After my grandmother was checked out and there was nothing more we could do (around 7) we left for Livingston. The doctor was in with Alayna when we got there and she told me she was taken off of the IV's for her glucose, no more phototherapy, and they upped her formula to 75 cc's. That got me kind of angry because she wasn't even finishing the 45 cc's they were giving her by mouth!! I voiced my concern and the doctor told me just to try for now and see what happens because she's off the IV for glucose now, which would make her more hungry, and she is also back to normal with the biliruben levels, which would make her more up beat and happy instead of tired all of the time. Okay...! So I try. She drank almost the WHOLE bottle at her 8am feeding. :) I was so proud of her!! I thought we were progressing.



Unfortunately, at her 12pm feeding, she didn't do well. She was so tired, not hungry, and she just didn't want to eat. I got so frustrated after that feeding that I just had a breakdown. They promised me she'd get it, but I guess sometimes I just think the worst!! There was a 5 pound baby next to Alayna that was born at 42 weeks and she couldn't feed either, so I didn't feel that bad after hearing that...I just feel bad for the babies, because they just can't figure it out. After my breakdown, the nurses suggested I go home and get rest. They promised they'd call me after each of her feedings and give me an update, so I said ok. I can really feel myself getting burnt out physically, so maybe a rest is what I need. I think I'm going to go back tonight, though. I just feel better when I"m with her.



I wanted to speak to a lactation consultant about breastfeeding today, but she wasn't in...tomorrow she will be, though, so I have an appointment ot talk to her. Let's pray she lets me breastfeed because my damn doctor won't. I'm probably going to find a way to get someone to help me either way, but right now it's just so aggrivating.



I gotta go, though. I'm going to Babies R Us to pick up a bottle. They told me to try a different kind of bottle tomorrow, but I have to buy it, so I will. lol

ALAYNA IS HERE! I was leaking fluid for two days before anyone noticed. The bad thing is, I went to my OB appointment the day before and they checked me for fluid leaking and said that there was nothing to be concerned about. When I got to L&D on Tuesday, they told me that there was an upper bag and lower bag of water?! The lower bag was completely gone. I was leaking that for 2 days. I noticed sometehing weird for those two days, I asked, but I was told it was nothing. When they told me about that I was shit scared because I am GBS + and I know that if my water broke or started leaking and it went untreated the baby could contract GBS easily. Anyway, I went into L&D on Tuesday and they checked me. I was still 3.5 cm's and 90% effaced. Well, they did a slide for my fluid check and they also did a scan to check. The scan showed that my fluid was very low and the doctor said he HAD to induce me because of the fluid and because of the fact that my BP was a record high!



Now, everyone knows I didn't want to be induced. I asked if there was any way I could not be induced, but they said that they couldn't break the remainder of my water yet, my baby was in danger of getting GBS because of the leaking, and if they broke it COMPLETELY, she'd be even in more danger. :( I gave in. At 6:30 they administered the Pitocin, Magnesium (for the Pre Eclampsia/High BP), regular IV fluids and Clyndomiacin (for the GBS) and by 7:30 they broke the remainder of my water. I was doing so good with the contractions, I was breathing through them, they didn't even seem that bad until 12. By 12:30 they had to put me on oxygen because of the fact that the contractions were SO strong and I was breathing through them well, but my asthma was really getting bad. I couldn't catch my breath, and the resident was just scared of me having an attack. I told her that I wanted to go naturally, but she really talked me into an epidural because she was scared of me having an attack. Okay, whatever. I just gave in because the contractions were getting pretty bad and I could handle them, but when they explained to me that if I couldn't breathe, Alayna couldn't breathe, that just made me change my mind about the natural birth. I just wanted Alayna to be healthy.



1:30 they gave me the epidural. It didn't hurt at all, which was amazing. I thought it'd be so painful! They were extremely great with the epidural, but my mom passed out. My mom said that it just reminded her (flashback) of when my dad had to have spinal taps and it was just too much for her. They almost had to get her an IV. :x I told her that I'll never ever let her forget that, and Alayna will know all about that as well. lol I only had one problem with the epidural. I couldn't feel my legs at all. Whenever I had to get an internal, they had to move my legs for me because I felt nothing below my belly button. :( It was a terrible feeling.



After that, everything was going pretty well. They still had me on oxygen because of the fact that I really still couldn't breathe. I think it was the pressure or SOMETHING, because I kept feeling like my lungs weren't fully getting air. But with the oxygen, for some reason, I kept getting phlem and almost choking on that. Ugh. It was a lose/lose situation. Unfortunately, in the aspect of going naturally, the birth didn't go as planned. Besides all of that, everything was great, though. I was dialating slowly until 5am. The doctors said it was the magnesium and pitocin fighting each other. Apparently, the pitocin speeds things up and the magnesium slows things down. It didn't seem like a long time, though. The resident was amazing, though. She was such a great person and really kept me informed and kept talking to me. She said I was a great patient. :) I rock, don't I? lol



After 5 am I started dialating quicker. By 7 am I had gone from 6cm to 9cm's in just a matter of two hours. They were completely shocked, and called the doctor to come in. By 7:30 I was telling them that I really was getting the urge to push and they kept telling me to just breathe through the urges. I tried, but had to be put BACK on oxygen because the urges were so strong. She told me I was only 9.5 cm's and if I pushed while I still had a 1\2 to go, my cervix would get swollen and I'd have to have a C-Section?! I never heard of that before, but...I didn't want a C-Section at all!! Shortly after, at 7:35 I just couldn't hold it anymore and I knew she was coming. The doctor wasn't there yet and I just knew that Alayna was gonna come if the doctor was there or not!! lol The resident checked me and I was 10 cm & 100%. The doctor came at 7:40, just after I started to push, and I think I did pretty well. I just couldn't catch my breathe in between pushes, but again, I was put on the oxygen for that. I didn't push for long at all, just around 20 minutes, and Alayna was out. :) She weighed 8 pounds 7 oz, 22 inches and has a FULL head of hair!! I mean FULL! She was born at 8:07 am. I did tear and I needed a good number of stitches, but it was all good. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd all be!!



The doctor was so shocked that she was 8 pounds, though! Even though I was diabetic (gestational) he said that it's just crazy that she was so big. And I delivered at 36w6d. According to the NICU, she's on the border of being full term and a preemie. *sigh* So every nurse and doctor you talk to says something different. I guess the NICU is considering her preemie? I don't even know at this point!! They said she would have been put in the newborn nursery, but since I was leaking fluid, was GBS+ and had a high temperature during delivery, they just wanted to make sure everything was okay with her. Thank GOD she didn't get any infections or anything, but they're just keeping her there until she could take a full bottle. Her biliruben count is also slightly off, so she's under phototherapy lamps for a little bit. She's doing good, though!!



The bad thing was I couldn't see her the whole first day because I was hooked up to a magnesium pump until Thursday, but I slept most of Wednesday anyway. The Magnesium didn't make me sick, but I was just so exhausted from everything. My mom kept going down to get me pictures of her, though. lol She's so beautiful and looks like me and her dad. She definitely has her dad's height.



When I asked them if she was put in the NICU because she was born at 36w6d, they said that wasn't the case. They said that a lot of full term babies are even in the NICU because of reasons. They sad that she would have been put there no matter when I had her, because of the fact that I would have probably still had a high fever, was GBS positive and in St. Barnabas Hospital, GBS babies are almost ALWAYS put in the NICU for antibiotics and observation even if the mother was put on antibiotics during delivery and stuff. She's in awesome hands and I've met some awesome people there!!



Now all we have to do is get her to drink a full bottle!! I even offered to breastfeed, but my doctor doesn't want me to breastfeed because of all of the asthma medications I'm on. I read that it's not really all that dangerous to breastfeed while on numerous medications, even just for asthma, but...he just keeps fighting with me and insisting that it's not a good thing to do. And the NICU won't let me try because he said no. Well, it's not the worst thing for her to formula feed. I just wish I could help more!!



I don't think I left anything out. lol

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I actually had a pretty good talk with my sister today, though VIA text message. I text messaged her when I got back from the doctor & I told her about what happened, and she actually acted like a sister. :) I guess that's what I've been wanting ever since I met her. All I've ever wanted was just an older sister who acted like an older sister & a friend at the same time. I guess maybe I just had too high expectations before I even met her. It's okay, though. I also text messaged Alayna's dad when I got back from the doctors, and I guess he's just too busy to text message me back. *rolls eyes* Everyone I know is telling me not to tell him anything since he won't even sign the birth certificate until he gets a DNA test, but on the other hand, the lawyer I consulted with told me that I should notify him of things with the baby, because it's just common courtesy. I don't know. I guess she's right, but I guess my family & friends are also right. I'm confused, as always. Whatever!!



One thing I do hope is that my sisters & brother do decide to come to the hospital. For 20 years I didn't get to share any important things with them, but this I really do want to share with them. I don't think my birthmom and birth grandmother would come, because they don't have a ride (I don't think), but...you never know. Maybe she'll find a way to get to the hospital. Even though my mom is jealous & overprotective, I do think that my birthmom and grandmother do get the right to see their grand daughter & great grand daughter. I think my mom will cool off as the time nears. I can see her stand in this, though. I just don't think that my mom understands my stand in this. She doesn't understand that for 18 years I wondered who they were, and for 20 years I've shared nothing important with them. No milestones, and now I get to. :) I don't know. I'm just rambling now. lol



I went to the doctors again today! I had another new doctor. Ugh. I hate clinics, I never get to see the same doctor. lol Anyway, she did a repeat GBS test and an internal. Yay. I was 2cm dialated & very thin. (I did research and found out that meant effaced. lol She just never used the word effaced *shrugs* And I've never heard it put as "Very thin" before, really.) My BP was also elevated again, and I had a small amount of protein in my urine. They said that they're slightly concerned, but since my labs aren't showing anything, they won't be TOO concerned. They're still telling me that they are planning on inducing if my BP continues high, but I don't want induction! The residents keep telling me that they'd like to induce, but when they go to the regular doctor to consult after they examine me, he says that it's not manditory unless the baby's heart rate drops or unless it's severe pre-eclampsia, which it isn't. The doctor also said that she doesn't think I'll make it much longer, but I don't like to listen to those because then I think too much of it. It is nice to hear that from a medical professional, though. It's a change from CONSTANTLY hearing it from my family. lol



I have been having contractions tonight, though. They're very mild and irregular, but stronger than they have been. My doctor said to go IMMEDIATLY to L&D if I get contractions (even irregular!) but for a good amount of time. She said that because of the fact that I'm so far from the hospital, and since I have to get the antibiotics for the GBS at least 4 hours before the baby comes. For some reason they're worried about me progressing really quickly once labor starts. *shrugs* Who knows.



I miss James. :( I haven't spoken to him on the phone, like a real conversation, in a while. I know he's busy, and I've been busy too. For some reason my cell phone keeps getting turned off and turned on every so often. I called Sprint and they said they don't know why that's happening because I'm paying my bill loyally. (Duh.) Well, there's nothing much I can do about that. I'm the one who chose to get Sprint. (Damnit!) Not a big deal, though. As long as I have my house phone I'm fine. lol Well, I'm going to get going because I have to get to sleep. My head is starting to pound so badly, and my tooth is starting to hurt me. (I have no Orajel either. Ahh!) I've never thought I'd say this: I can't wait until I can go to the dentist and get a filling on this one damn tooth! *sigh* Only a few more weeks until I can. I'm not going in for anymore temporary fillings, though. They cost WAY too much for just a temporary filling.



Goodnight :)

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All last night I was having major lower back pain, but no cramping in my stomach. I did have severe nausea, though, and some small menstural like cramps, but nothing huge & big that I couldn't handle. The back pain wasn't even that bad, really. It was just there & just annoying. lol It wasn't bad enough that I couldn't sleep, though. I slept fine. Haha. Every time I woke up for a potty break, I still had that back pain & that's when I noticed I had faint stomach cramps, but just in my lower stomach. I don't know. Alayna's heart rate was also in the 180's - low 190's last night. It did drop to 160 before I went to bed, so that made me feel more comfortable. I'm just thanking God that I have a doctors appointment today, because there's no way I'd go to L&D again unless I absolutly had to. That's my last resort right now; I've been there so many times and I'm sure they're so tired of me. Oh well. I'll know more later on today when I go to the doctors.



Yesterday, since I didn't feel like really moving at all, I sat online all day & finished up with Alayna's website. Well, I didn't finish it up, but I started adding more text. lol All I really had before was a layout, and I figure that if I'm going to teach my friend how to update the website when Alayna comes, I better just finish it up all together. I'll be working on it today too... My mom really likes the layout & so do I. It's not tbe best since I worked pretty quickly on it, and I've done better, but it's just a temporary thing until I can get some real pictures of Alayna. :)



Okay, so I'm sick & tired of my family bitching at me about epidurals. I changed my birth plan recently to say that I do not want an Epidural unless I can't take the pain & nothing else works at relieving it. I've looked it up online and I've read that there are a lot of other methods of pain relief rather than an epidural, and I'd like to try to go completely natural; unmedicated. Call me crazy if you want, beceause that's what I've been hearing from my family, but it's just something that I'd like to do. I'm pretty sure i can do it. I've been reading up on other methods of pain relief, and I've been printing out and writing down as much as I can...since i can't afford to go to any birthing classes, reading up online and reading a few books that my friend has, really did help with making my decision.



My family, though, is trying to convince me to use an Epidural. They're all telling me I'm crazy, they're telling me that I'm going to regret it, etc... I know I won't regret at least trying. Ugh. I think they all should just mind their own business, really. I'm old enough to know what I want to do!! I can make my own decisions; I'm a big girl. I'm planning on speaking to my doctor about it today when I go because I want her input on completely natural childbirth. Let's see what she says.



Today I have my repeat GBS test & my first internal. *Woohoo* Let's see if I'm at all dialated. lol I'll be happy if I'm even dialated 1cm. lol I just want to know that progress is being made!! I'm almost positive that she'll send me down to L&D for a NST because of the baby's heartbeat yesterday & because of the pains I'm having. Well, let's see what happens when I go. :)